Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Bombs, Bikinis, The French, and Business Deals...


"Will find out who gets the sharp end of the pain stick!"

(Sudekia) Under highly loaded security, his Excellency President-For-Life P'hat Daddee B'wonah, listened carefully to the initial findings of the investigation team focused on the recent assassination attempt.

For those of you not in the know, a two vehicle team of thugs and hoodlums attempted to ram and detonate their vehicles into the Government Building recently, while the President and his staff were inside doing stuff.

Security Forces were able to beat off the attempt, but not after one of the cars detonated in the Central Marketplace Area, killing some poor civilians, and stuff.

His Excellency was very business-like this morning, and just issued a quick statement before the first of what will probably be many closed door meetings.

"I'm a man of few words...but a lot of action. I like action, and I like to get a lot of action, and those hooligans that think they can get away with something like this, will soon discover the error of their ways."

His Excellency President-For-Life P'hat Daddee B'wonah, listens intently on the initial findings of who tried to get the jiggy on him...


And in other news....


Whiny European Leaders discuss "Bongolesian Affairs" while ignoring theirs!

It's becoming a bit of an embarassment to the international community at the "seemingly renewed" interest in our nation that our former European Colonial Masters, now known as the EU, (or should that be "EWWWW"???), have undertaken once again towards our beloved nation, while ignoring the plights of their people and issues within their borders altogether.

Students of approved history will remember that until 1960 our country was under a murky myriad of misguided myoptic masochism and rule by various stagnant European powers and lorded over by those same desperate nations being on trying to maintain themselves as some sort of colonial mastery over us and failing. Now in this day and age, like a weasel in a girls school, they are once again attempting to slip back into things here and are attempting it by using the guise of "International Relations", to do now what couldn't be done back then.

This week at a recent meeting of EU nations on lots of trivial affairs and what-nots, a flunky spokesman for the EU, (and from France of all places!), discussed with his spoon-fed reporters of the international media "his nations disgusts at our annoyance on their high tariff rates for the importation of Bongo-Cola.

Everyone knows that Bongo-Cola is a delicious, refreshing beverage destined to drive away thirst, and that it's something that everyone should enjoy, (even the French); but alas no...

They seem to think that "It's not good enough until they put a high tariff on it to make it an unaffordable luxury for everyone in the country", and thus no one in France is able to enjoy delicious, refreshing Bongo-Cola.

While we here in Bongolesia understand slamming tariffs on things to get people to pay for what they are getting, we are visibly upset because these so called "tariffs" are nothing more than highway robbery without the highways!

This is just one of the latest issues that the EU seems to be drumming up and focusing on within our beloved nation. It would be nice of them if they just went back to paying attention to their own failed systems and leave Bongolesia, (and the rest of the world), alone...


Local Whiny French EU Rep. tells the press "How he feels about Bongolesia..."


Local beauties get ready for all popular annual Bongolesian National Bikini Pageant!

(Port Tuziak) The heat is on, and the smell of body oil and sweat is in the air as the local young ladies, (pretty and otherwise), are all jittery and excited at the announcement of the upcoming Bongolesian National Bikini Pageant being held this year at the luxious "Fly-By-Night" Club and Resort in Downtown Port Tuziak.

Bikini Pageant Producer See'mo Buttz said "This years contest is going to get you all up and thumpin' for some action! We got a line of beauties from all over the country ready to give it up for the crowd! They'll be strutting their stuff and will be all pimped out ready for a night of action!"

Indeed it seems that the local male population is already salivating and looking forward to the bevy of beauties that will be in the contest. "I'm 78 years old, and if'n I can see some of that hot whoomp, then day-aaaaammmmmnnnn!" said a local elderly gentleman while shivering in the noonday heat on a local park bench. We're not exactly sure what he means by his manner of speech, but we will get back to you on it.

The Fly-By-Night Club and Resort in downtown Port Tuziak, is one of the swankiest, poshest places around town, and is a popular place for entertainment of all kinds, (no sailors allowed). The Pageant will also be televised by Bongo-Vision Television and musical entertainment will be featuring local Bonoglesian Rap Sensation "Sqweekie K'leen", who will perform among his many hits, his recent hot single "I'd buy that fo' a dollar!"

"Something for everyone..."

Local beauties get ready to strut their stuff...


Television Superstar is "saddened" that he is unable to make it as a guest judge of Bikini Pageant...

(Port Tuziak) In a sad statement released today, to the Bongolesian People, superstar and legendary actor David Hasselhoff informed our nation that he is "Unable to attend the Bongolesian Bikini Pageant due to unfortunate personal circumstances beyond his control." In a gently worded statement, he says: "This Bikini Pageant is something that I could really get my hands on and sink my teeth into... I'm so honored that you would ask me to be a guest judge of all the lovely ladies that will be strutting the corner of the stage and showing off their talents and goods. Maybe next year time will allow me to make it and grace your country with myself, and my clear-cut judgement on your local bevy of beauties..."

"Saddened that he can't come..."

Superstar David Hasselhoff is sad that he can't make it happen...


Honest Abduls has it for you!!!

(Waughtown) Folks that love to spend lots of money, (their and others), will be happy and pleased to know that "Honest Abdul-The Shoppers Friend", has opened his third location here in Bongolesia! In a quick interview with Honest Abdul, he said " We thought long and hard about a third opening, but found that the best place to do business with is with the good people in the Northern Sector of the country. Waughtown has a good small port that allows ships carrying various goods, sundries, imports and exports to come in both day and night, and there are always UN personnel around to make sure that things are handled right." He smiled and took a deep smoke on his favored hookah. "The very best bargain for the very best price can ALWAYS be found at Honest Abduls New and Used Imports, Exports, and World O'Goods Emporium of Fine Things and Other Stuff. It's a great place to spend your hardly earned money."

(Cash, Money Order, International Money/Postal Orders, Gold, and certain International Charge Cards are accepted. No Checks please...Due to issues with the Italian Post, no items to be shipped to Italy...)

"He's got what you want..."

Honest Abdul-The Shoppers Friend!!!


"What's in the tub, Bub?"

International Trade Agreements help local business and nation with special ordered stuff...

(Sudekia) The Ministry of Trade is happy to announce today that a series of specially brokered business deals with trade representatives from the CIS, and the PRC will allow the people of Bongolesia to see much new and needed items coming into the country via cargo ships. Ships traffic will be increased over the coming months in Port Tuziak and even in Sudekia to unload the cargo that they bring and to allow the sailors to get off. Details and information remain sketchy at the moment, but the word is out that among the items being brought into the country will be "Farm machinery and agricultural supplies, Irrigation devices, Tractors, Plumbing supplies, and other production and manufacturing materials". It's expected that the imports of said items will assist in the creation of many new jobs for the people in our country, and will allow them to sweat and work hard for what they are given. It all points to a brighter future for Bongolesia!

"Good Stuff coming in..."

Cargo ship on it's way to Port Tuziak...