Monday, April 4, 2011

Assassination Attempt!!!




(Sudekia) In a move that can only be described as "cowardly", the peace and quiet of our beloved city was shattered last night when a group of unknown thugs and hooligans attempted an ill planned and poorly conceived assassination attempt upon our beloved President and/or other members of the Government. Shortly after 11 PM BST (Bongolesian Standard Time), a group of wannabe baddies attempted to ram two cars packed with explosives into the National Government Building, where his Excellency, President-For-Life P'hat Daddee B'wonah and other Government Officials were inside working on another national scheme to make things better for everyone involved and all around. Luckily for us and everyone else, the Security Personnel on duty intercepted the enemy vehicles and with a few bursts of rifle fire to convince them of the error of their ways, the hooligans departed the scene in their vehicles rather quickly. Unfortunately one of the thug cars detonated in the nearby Central Market Area killing 4 Civilians, 1 Security Forces Soldier and an unknown numbers of hooligans. The remaining vehicle fled into the darkness of the night.

"Hooligan Failure"

One of the vehicles of the enemy assassins burns brightly in the night in the Central Marketplace. The occupants dead from the accurate fire of the overzealous security personnel and the detonation of their explosive cargo.

Within moments of the incident, the Command Reactionary Assault Personnel (CRAP), of the Presidential Guard were on the scene. As CRAP went everywhere to ensure that his Excellency our beloved President was safe and sound, as well as the other Government officials. The curious civilian onlookers that crowded the scene were gently kept by the the benevolent prodding of CRAP bayonets while Government Investigators arrived on the scene to begin their work.

A Presidential Guard CRAP officer takes command of the scene of chaos and ensures that the President is A Okay and that those responsible will get what they deserve...


To the People of Bongolesia and the rest of the world...

Today it just breaks my heart to have to let you know of the chaos of those who would bring down our way of life and of their wicked wicked attempts to put the jiggy on me and the rest of the people that rule over you.

Late this evening, while I was in the thick of things with some of my assistants at the Government Building, some enemies of the state decided to try to force our incredible nation down the road into ruin by wanting to blow me (and some others, but mostly me), to bits.

I am happy to report to you that I am still alive and well, and unharmed.

Can you believe their foolishness? We've seen their type before and believe me, this so called "assassination attempt" was a poorly laid out farce destined for failure. I've seen better attempts myself.

I have authorized the Presidential Guard, The National Defense Force, and Local Security Forces to assist in this investigation. Believe me when I say that we will get to the bottom of this hinky jinky...

Those who are responsible for this and those who would back them and those that would support those that do things like this, (and you know who you are), will be held responsible and will suffer the sharp end of the pain stick with it comes time fo' payback.

I will keep the good citizens that perished in my thoughts, and will keep you informed as to what's going down on these hooligans.

Long Live Our Nation!




War Minister Crittumbo said...

I had just returned from standing down the Strategic Rocket Forces, due to the peace initiative with Ifat. The fleeing assassins nearly slammed into my poor Honda Accord.
A couple of bullets from the security forces hit my tires, and I was unable to give pursuit.
Fortunately the President For Life was not injured.

The Angry Lurker said...

I'm delighted to hear he is alright and hopefully the perpertrators will be brought to justice.

Catweaseloz said...

ah...has anyone seen the bbq pork i ordered last night. the delivery guys were going to bring the gas bottles for the bbq as well.
c.m.o.t. dibbler
chef in residence
national government building